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The Mighty Apercu

When DirgeK was 16 she used to run a website where she acted as a psychic calling herself 'The Mighty Apercu'. I thought you might be interested to see some of the crazy questions she got asked from the public and her inventive answers.

DK's mum

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Q. For many years now, I have had some strange things happen. I was at a party at a house I have never been in before. I was sitting with a door to my left., I saw black walls and felt as if death was going to happen there. Two weeks later the owner killed himself in that room. I never told anyone about my feeling. Things happen like that over many times in my life. Do I have some 'gift'? Renee Fisher, Rogers Arkansas.

A. It seems you do indeed have a gift. You don't fancy coming to one of my family parties and providing some much needed downbeat company for a few manically depressed relatives of mine do you? It would be ideal if this could be compounded by yet more displays of 'gifts': generally just leaving party mess around, cigarette butts stomped out in the carpet etc. Stuff which would supersede two weeks of thorough cleaning up and ultimately exhaust someone of an already dejected listlessness.

Q. am i a mystic? mark john bate, midlands.

A. Well I'm not the type to discourage seer hopefuls. As long as you've the desire, the cognitive irregularities and a follicular nexus between the esoteric realm and your top lip, you are practically James Van Praagh.

Q. Why do fat people wear black leggings? Phoebe, Bath.

A. In the majority of cases I think you'll find most have recently had a rumpology reading and are very proud of the results. By emphasising the contours of the globoids they hope others will be equally as impressed by what can be ascertained from the recto-crenulations. They're show-offs.

Q. I became ill after being in love with someone from a past life. What should I do? Rhoda Watson, Wichita Falls, Texas.

A. I'd recommend regressing back to yet another past life, preferably in which you recall striking up a loving relationship with early fungal spores later found to be the source of Penicillin.

Q. Why are you not asked questions very frequently? Tony, Pyracantha

A. Because for some odd reason the regular visits I receive from otherworldly manifestations aren't correlative of the number of website hits I get. If only apparitions could type eh? Or indeed many of the Canadians sent here by viral subterfuge.

Q. Will Alan's family ever learn and admit exactly what type of person Tony was to April? Gadance, Atlanta.

A. Tony must be one of those tumultuous people on the Aries/Taurus cusp from April 19th to 23rd. Trust me Gadance, these people do nothing BUT a disservice to 'April.' And it's not even worth going into the horror and periodical mayhem they cause to decent and on rare occasions, hardworking astrologers. I doubt Alan's family will ever admit the wrongdoing when in some quarters there is still an April 21st inclusion for a Taurean headed for a season of physical pleasures and a windfall. It's not right.

Q. Will I have children? Lindsey, Westmidlands.

A. God, let's hope not. They could grow up to be skeptics for Pete's sake! Or even worse, not be able to differentiate between a psychic and a very, very daft lampoon.

Q. Where do I go from here? NaHaliel, The City Beneath the Sea.

A. Well, brush against the coral with enough thigh revealed and you can give yourself a nice session of auric healing with the convenience of having barnacles at hand for pressure points. This is not to be confused with 'uric healing' of course. Unless you really can't contain a blast from your utricle before you reach the shore.

Q. Will she ever pay me? Katrina, Australia.

A. Katrina, what do a few Australian dollars matter in the grand scheme of things? You should value your friend for her visceral qualities rather than getting preoccupied with any bankruptcy she may have induced. Forgive me for speaking in laymen's terms but macrocosmically, you're at the foot of mount. Arunachala and a marsupial has you in an ashanta yoga headlock. You need to reconcile your depleted spiritual awareness. Why not send your friend an e-card of Azrael the Angel of Death in lurid pursuit of a tombstone-obstructed, weeping virgin as a spiritual token? Benevolence doesn't take much.

Q. Twenty years ago, on the advice of my psychic, I purchased a pair of breeding pet rocks. I was assured I would soon have a booming lapidary business. To this day not a single pebble has been produced. Was I duped? P.S How do you sex a pet rock? Drew, Limbo.

A. Drew my dear friend, I hope you're not attempting to discredit the rational advice of my colleagues. I fear you may have misinterpreted the process by which we higher beings come to peddle mystifying 'birthstones'. If you want to feel true, spiritual unity with an 'October Opal' you'll have to do what we all do and go by way of a Chinese child labour scheme near a quarry. P.S I can fully understand your intrigue as regards to sexing a rock but be sure to extrude before crystals have time to form. Genital Quartz can be irksome.

Q. Am I going to be a lard-ass my entire life? Hot-Rod Heloise, Leon.

A. Hot-Rod, don't despair. I know it's a common assumption that the destiny of one's rear-end and its air-suspended final resting place is programmed at birth, but mine is always open to advances, my assumption that is. Have you tried acupuncture? It helps to redistribute the flow of Chi through the body's canals. 'Ghee' (a lard variant) maybe a little more loitering in its travels but if they jam the needles deep enough into your bottom they could form a lock navigation system in which fluid from the bladder served as a hydraulic pressure system. If that failed to proportion you, the needles could act as tacks to secure in place a pair of hold-in lycra pantaloons.

Q. What does the near future hold for my love life? Cool Dork, Los Angeles.

A. I've been looking to the stars for you my friend. Usually such predictions are quite straight forward, for example, if someone's Lunar Nodal Axis is intersected by Mercury (which happens to be focused on Pisces with a midheaven cutlet) I'm sure you'd agree love with a Piscean would clearly be on the cards. But your node seems to be indicating something rather less romantic, it's been intersected by the crab nebula. You may be itchy for a couple of days.

Q. Does Live Roleplaying count as transcending reality? Random Larper, UK.

A. No. It just counts as being rather pathetic.

Q. What is the meaning of life? Bob, Here.

A. The meaning of life, as I'm sure everyone knows, is to pursue your spirituality at any cost - preferably the cost of a wind chime from a New Age shop. You should also invest in a whole harvest of medicinal 'mystical herbs'. These help to preserve life - not your own, but they're hydrated to such an extent when processed, parasites ossify within the leaves.

Q. Will Taos, New Mexico become a new tourist mecca in 2002? Christopher Ward, Taos, New Mexico.

A. Chris, even if a torrent of oil and ribbon from a beauty spell contaminated the water supply it would be hard pushed to make many of the residents or surroundings an attraction.

Q. My husband has moaning fits in his sleep. He says it's from a bad dream. Do you think this is true? I have my suspicions that it's something to do with me making him sleep in restraints. But he swears he enjoys it. Do you think I may be a little scary? Jenny, Tejas.

A. Well generally as a rule I try to distance myself from people who use the name of psychic divination to sexually torture their partners. At least check your star signs are compatible before you tighten the bolt. My conscience wouldn't be able to rest if I knew your suns were out of alignment at birth while he whimpers in pain with a nipple seizure.

Q. Will I marry Garth? LP, NC.

A. Only if I get an invocation!

Q. Do you have your own theme song? Rufus H. Dinkle Prof. of Astro Chemistry, Roswell Community College.

A. I do as it happens Prof. Dinkle. It's not a theme tune as such - it's more of a transitional mantra which is sung in full polyphony by an apparition of choral spirits and which can only be heard by those who enter the spiritual realm. No sound on earth could ever replicate it. I'm thinking of making a midi file.

Q. Why can no one read my palm? Burns victim, Dermatology Unit.

A. I'm not going to deny it. Even the best palmists can be thrown off course by skin grafts. They're very misleading. Depending where the skin's been grafted from you could try getting it read by a rumpologist.

Q. What should I have for breakfast tomorrow morning, Special K with dried strawberries? Or Frosted Mini-wheats? Both are good, but breakfast only comes once a day. Pierre Stromberg,

A. Well Pierre, Frosted Mini-wheats would be the psychic cereal of choice. 'Occult magick' already has more than enough special 'K' allowances - mainly in grammar as we know it. Besides, the criss-cross of Mini-wheat fibres could be said to be the modern day equivalent to the markings on a talisman.

Q. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? Pierre Stromberg,

A. One that's very hollow and has an abnormally large assemblage of nuts.

Q. When/how will I meet my soul mate and life long partner? Julie, England.

A. Julie dear, if I'm your last recourse you're better off just settling down with a durable crack-pipe.

Q. Have you ever seen an alien from another planet or a U.F.O? Jypsc, Arizona.

A. It's funny you should ask that. I'm actually abducted nightly. I've noticed the abductions coincide with what most people would technically call 'naps' but I know a nap alone can't do that to the bedsheets. I can see why many refer to them as 'greys' although to be fair it depends if you ate a chilli con carni the night before. I'm sure I've been visited by a few 'greens' in my time. There are so many cover-up operations to be wary of though. My doctor tried to conspire that what was clearly an alien implant was according to diagnostics a syphilitic ulcer of the glans.

Q. I hear voices beckoning at my door and they strangely seem to know the value of my household furnishings. Are they departed lifeforms? Jeremy, the throngs of debt.

A. I've heard bailiffs called a lot worse. Never mind though. Remember, even if they take all of your furniture, you can still hold a seance on little more than a urine stained floorboard. So that should be of some comfort. ø°·

Q. My birthday is the 12th of May 1973. Tell me about myself. Vanessa, UK.

A. Numerology's mathematical/mystical formulae would be applicable here but numeracy has never been my strong-point, luckily however sorting through a client's trash is so I find home addresses to be of greater use than birth dates. Supply me with the relevant information and I'll be able to astound you with incredible personal details including the content of discarded bank slips and if I'm wearing gloves your sanitary preferences.

Q. Have you ever done 'remote viewing'? Chaz, British Columbia.

A. Unfortunately Chaz, I do it every time I remove my underpants.

Q. How old is earth? DLC, Texas.

A. Well earth, or mother earth as I call her - we're on parental terms - is very coy about her age, hence the conjunction of theories held by creationists and the sane alike. Earth gets very self-conscious about the appearance of fine lines and since the satellite pictures of the Great Wall of China came to the fore has frankly been very guarded. She's contemplated using silicates but it's really a no-win situation as they can be radiometrically dated to a lower limit of 4.55 billion years. Cher faced the same predicament and is now so metallic she's her own moon.

Q. My head was recently palpated by a phrenologist who had lost all but one finger in an industrial lathe. Can his judgment be trusted? Stuey, Louisiana.

A. Don't worry. I don't think your trust of this wholly accurate study of the brain circa 1820 should in anyway be mitigated by a finger count. Indeed, I know only too well the pin-point accuracy of phrenologists having spent a lust-filled night with one. I certainly realised the importance of the head as a gauge that impassioned night - and due to the coital G-force; a handlebar. ø°·

Q. Does everything REALLY happen for a reason, or is that just something that dumb people say to feel better about their mistakes? search results,

A. But of course. Even more so in the case of dumb people, as the majority of their mistakes are completely determined by the fact they are dumb. Incidentally, if you want help evading responsibility for everything you do I highly recommend I-Ching.

Q. How come my two favourite Comedy Shows, Crossing Over and The Jack Van Impe Show never get nominated for an Emmy or even an enema? Drew, Limbo.

A. Back from the dead again are we? I see you've learnt nothing at all from my previous advice. How dare you belittle such undisputed icons of the spiritual world? I'll have you know suppositories hold great psychometrical qualities.

Q. My body feels out of kilter. Why? Shaky, Ottawa.

A. As an omnipotent psychic force I should first save myself from a court case by advising you to see a proper doctor first. I don't want to get into hot water because I diagnosed you with having a contorted biorhythm when really there was a design fault with one of your prosthetic limbs. Now that's over with, let the irrational therapy begin!

Q. I've been in limbo now for almost two centuries. Do you think there's any possibility of me entering the pearlies or even better returning to the physical plane? Frankly, I'm getting a little teed-off at all the deadbeats around here. P.S Your Aunt Agatha sends her regards. Drew Henderson, Limbo.

A. Careful which non-entities you call 'deadbeats'. You're talking about the better part of my social circle. As for your purgatory predicament, it serves as a lesson to all who neglect their spiritual obligations. If in your time on earth you hadn't been preoccupied with aimless pursuits such as upholding family life and had instead spent your time more productively by for example, visualising 'nothingness' with the aid of a rune stone, I think we both know your existence would be a lot more worthwhile. P.S Tell Aunt the stabbing was accidental.

Q. Can you help me eliminate my psychic blocks? Caitlin, LA.

A. I sure can. Just by reading the contents of my website many parts of your mind can become inert, allowing you to begin a pathway to reverse the indoctrination that denies you psychic channelling and hopefully will also help you abandon the concept of frugality with money. Private meetings with me can be purchased once you've accomplished this mindset.

Q. Can you do what John Edward does? Cornelia, CT.

A. Yes, I have been known to act like a prick on occasions.

Q. The so-called 'geometric gateway to the spiritual plain' you claim to have discovered on your travels through India looks suspiciously like a plate of jelabi - a commonly found fried, Indian sweet. Mohinder, Southall.

A. Associative thinking my primitive, mortal friend. The spiritual portal you refer to is simply evoking your desires for this Indian snack. Beholding the doorway to the elliptical paradox is hungry work. That's why many spiritualists wear sequins in order to divert light from the expanding supernova otherwise known as their waistline.

A. Yes Fran.

Q. Are you really psychic? Fran, Umbridge.

Q. Why do you choose not to charge any money for your web services? Petra, Bonn.

A. There you are mistaken. If it was a matter of choice I'd be impoverishing every man jack of you but I've been told I should make a name for myself before I can commence the psychic generosity the likes of Miss Cleo implement.

Q. Hello, do you do any graphology (handwriting analysis)? Stephen, Housebound.

A. Only by email. It may seem limiting but I only deal with Helvetica. It's much easier to read than some of those shitty scribbles people think signify literacy. And in my past experience you don't need to measure the circumference of someone's 'g' loop to intuitively tell if they have personal problems and in some cases herpes.

Q. I've injured my wrist. Will aromatherapy help? Tim, Swansea.

A. The premise of aromatherapy is that naturally occurring substances have relaxing and stimulating properties when smelt. I don't completely subscribe to this psychic standpoint particularly as many a night I have been face down in a pool of my own vomit (a substance distinctly aromatic) and haven't felt noticeably refreshed. Some essential oils are entirely essential however. Look at my quick visual guide to massage/aromatherapy oils.

Q. I'm trying to learn Tarot. Can you tell me what all the cards mean? Veronica, Colorado.

A. Welcome to seerdom Veronica! One of the most important things to learn when mastering the art of Tarot is that all the cards are of variable meaning depending on the individual. Most psychics like myself take them all to mean payday!

Q. Uri Geller is a hunk of a man isn't he? Parveen, Alchemy Island.

A. He certainly gives me a phrenological love bump far removed from the skull! ø°·

Q. I once dated a psychic. For someone who prided themselves on ethereal abilities, he wasn't very intuitive in the bedroom. His wife was impressively perceptive however when she deduced (presumably by psychometrical methods) that the Felcher Deluxe Dildo left in the boot of her car was a forewarning that she should perhaps file for divorce. What I want to know is why don't these psychics sort themselves out before setting up a tarot phone network? Charlie, London.

A. My friends, I've included this malicious inquisition because I want you to know there's no question I won't answer. Luckily etheric bodies help alleviate all fear in me and unlike the licentious psychic in question they also tend to my sexual needs. He's obviously not been the beneficiary of a transformational technique known amongst spiritual elitists as 'onanism'.

Q. I've heard rebirthing can help enliven primal energies. Can you give me a detailed step by step guide to achieving this? Lizzy, Lesbos.

A. (1) Transcend reality. (2) Remember to breathe in and out a bit. (3) Elongate step 2. (4) Elongate your ability to prolong exchanges of oxygen. (5) Respirate. (6) Employ the function of your lungs. (7) Get in a bath. (8) Repeat steps 2 to 6. (9) Utilise your diaphragm. (10) Suspend belief. (11) Find yourself rebirthed. (12) Feel enlivened. (13) Have a coffee. (14) Feel enlivened.

Q. Will any woman ever make an honest man of me? James Van Praagh, A tax haven.

A. Probably not.

Q. Stop your Satanic meddling! As far as I'm concerned: Wicca = good for nothing! Mary-Jane, Rhyl.

A. I'm not sure what Satan has to do with anything but I must disagree with your stance on wicca. It's actually very versatile. You can get some very nice laundry baskets and garden furniture in it. I suggest you pop down to your local IKEA.

Q. How can I find out what colour my aura is? Gurpreet, Leicester.

A. The best way to discover your aura is to find someone who is able to see them. Many believe children are sensitive to such phenomena. Have you ever noticed how children often draw pictures using seemingly inappropriate colours? Well that's because they're thick. Don't be drawn in. You can learn to see auras for yourself just by following my simple advice.

Q. Do you ever aid police investigations? Sylvia, Mississippi.

A. As a matter of fact I do. Only recently I was very instrumental in the police investigation into my own possession of a crack rock.

Q. What do you think of skeptics who disbelieve that mysticism is a legitimate practice? Primrose, A Crossing .

A. I wouldn't bother myself over skeptics if I were you. As we all know the mystic world is one of wonder and lucrativity; where ethereal beings and spiritual embodiments are simple everyday mundanities, where tarot card readings and astrological charts can forecast your future and reveal cryptic yet undoubtably accurate truths, and where clairvoyant visions happen as lucidly as flatulence and every chasm in a human palm reveals more than a gynaecologist could ever know. The existence of skeptics almost seems ludicrous in comparison, in fact contemplating that there may be skeptics on earth seems wholly farfetched when you're just going about your psychic day having your face read by a physiognomist. ø°·


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